The 'joys' of Home Ownership

Lets start out by saying that I haven't even moved in and I'm already stressed out. We put an offer in on a house in Sterling and it was accepted! (After 5 other houses way above what we wanted to pay, we found this gem!)

The Hunt: Honestly, house hunting is suppose to be fun, but after looking and falling in 'love' with three or four houses, you get kind of stressed out and just want it to be done and over with. I was at work just browsing around and found it. We had a nice limit, however; we would be 'house rich money poor' if we got what was within our budget so I thought it would be fun to find something on the cheap side that needed work.

She really is a beauty. We met with the neighbors after our walk through and found that it really was a quiet neighborhood and was just what we needed. It's tiny, but... Its ours. three bedrooms one bathroom an attached garage, and ample yard space, a park within walking distance (literally can see it from the front window) and the elementary school is about four blocks away so I can walk Hadley to school every day.

The DEMO: Well, not realllyyy. but we do want new floors, new walls in a couple rooms and obviously new paint and outlets and light fixtures. Those three ugly trees in the front yard? Yeah. Those are coming down the second we get the keys to the house, our neighbor Bruce even said he would help us tear them down because they are such an eyesore on the road. (yes I'm all for tree life and mother nature, however, these things are awful for your yard and don't do anything but welcome pests and that's never good!) There were lilacs in the front yard but the person living there before us decided to cut them down (not sure why) So this coming spring I'm planning on spending a few pretty pennies and getting about 10 saplings of Lilacs and planting them along the backside of where those trees come out, along with a huge selection of rose bushes and daisies. Not sure exactly but I have a couple of seasons to get through before we go to the green house to get our pretties. The black will be gone from the shutters as well, and the door will be painted. We are thinking a nice peacock blue for a bit of 'pop' to stand out. I really think that would look nice! Adam suggested the Blue, I liked a 'yellow' look to make it look more fresh and welcoming but it may not look the best, so blue it is!.

DIY: He's going to let me have at it inside except for his office, which I'm totally OK with. Honestly We are probably going to do it all together, except for Hadley's wall mural that I'm planning on doing on my own when she's away. The theme I think we are going to stick with is WALL-E and Galaxies. I have this grand idea to have Adam make a waxing crescent right before a new moon (so the sliver) -- make it out of wood, I'm going to paint it a realistic color and we are going to mount it, and behind it he's going to put 'nerd lights' or LED color changing lights and have it be her massive 'night light'. Although I'm not sure if wood would be a good medium or if we got a frosted pane of thick plastic and I painted on it the actual craters that way the whole thing would glow? That might be a better alternative. I'm also going to ask him to make a new bed frame for her in the shape of a star or comet, really commit to the space theme I have had for her since before day one. That's all in good time though. I just am so excited.

We also had this great idea for in the living room where the big bay window is (Behind those ugly trees) to have a built in book shelf on that entire wall. - Paint the wall a deep dark blue or green and have the bookshelves themselves be white so it pops out and makes the room look bigger. Although, I need more books like asap because what I have will only cover about one panel long and I NEED more books anyways. (Side note: There is this amazing second hand store in downtown sterling that has rooms full of books - I feel like Belle from "Beauty and the Beast" when I'm there because it's just hundreds upon hundreds of books that I will be getting)

The bedroom though, we haven't even talked about. He probably doesn't know it yet, but we will be getting a headboard and frame (right now the bed is sitting on the box spring on the floor and I'm not about that!) But as far as colors and theme, the only thing we have both agreed to is that we are getting an electric fire place to mount on the wall (also one in the living room because they are so darn cool!)

My dad is actually going to be helping us out and installing all new vents and a new AC because the house doesn't have central air for SOME reason??? So he's probably going to come down in February, and he's only charging us a grand total of 3500 for it all, which is just for parts because he's hauling it from northern MN to us which is about 9 hours I think? He still hasn't seen Hadley which bums me out but at least I have him locked down to come in February after her SECOND birthday! arghh.

Back but it's different this time.

The story of us...

      It seems so funny that just a few short months ago I was crying my eyes out for someone who didn't want me, respect me, or even care for me. Not to mention that my daughter wasn't getting the love or respect she deserved from her own father. This has all changed in a matter of two months.

      Two months is all it took. Technically I was in the 'anger' and 'acceptance' stage long ago but for the last two months, I have been taken by someone. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. Dare I say it -- I have found love. and the real kind of love, not the "oh yeah we had a baby together so I should force myself to be with you, although you hate me and want to see me in pain type love." This is something real - it feels different. Truth be told, we can sit on the couch or do everything and anything and I feel like I'm complete with him.

      The best part is -- Hadley adores him. Yes, I let my daughter meet a man that isn't her father, yes I'm totally fine with it and YES you can keep those comments to yourself because in all honesty -- I don't give a damn what anyone thinks. Everyone kept their mouths shut when my ex would yell and scream at me in front of her, and now that I've found someone that actually enjoys being around us, I don't want to hear a damn word about it.

      I literally skip a heartbeat and have to catch my breath to just even be in the same room as him. I love it.

    I almost lost it though... During the divorce my ex would threaten to call him and make stories up and tell him things to keep him out of the picture, I told him that I didn't want that life for him and that we should just be friends - that lasted for a whole six hours flat. Like I said earlier, I can't stand being away from this man. He brought out the best in me during those dark days, and helped me realize how strong I really am with him at my side. Never in front or behind, but at my side... I don't even know what that's like. I was always put down and told horrible nasty mean things and now this new light is here and it's like an 'Owl City' song that keeps replaying in my head.

"You reached down out of nowhere

and picked my heart up off the floor

you put my life back together 

and I'm not broken anymore."

You can listen to the full song on his YouTube HERE

    

  So yes, officially divorced, officially happy and officially in love. We are all set to go to the apple orchard this weekend on Saturday afternoon when he gets done from work so I will be sure to post lots of photos. Basically guys; this Wendy-girl found her never-boy. His name is Adam and he's taught me how to fly. 

Single = LONELINESS

I'm seriously lonely. I hate being alone in general. 

It's nice when Hadley is around, then I at least have someone to talk to and give kisses and smother technically. But really, its freaking lonely being here by my self. I miss my dad, I miss Minnesota. I wish I could move up there again without any issues but I know that he will never let me move. From all the threats I have been getting daily, I know it wont happen.

I've tried to talk to guys, but they either have their own kids so they are wrapped up into their own lives (which is fine, I do it too) or they are single, and the single stupidest people I have met; apart from my ex. I guess I just wont date. But is that really a bad thing? Not dating? I don't think so, it's just again; lonely.

I applaud anyone that can get back out there and try to date after having a kid and finding time for someone else, let alone themselves after their child(ren) are taken care of. It's difficult. I want Hadley to always come first no matter what, everyone else is just second place to her, and I guess that's going to piss a lot of people off. Not my problem. She's my number one priority, so really... I don't think I should be dating. yeah here and there but I don't want anything serious to screw up my time with my daughter. Her biological father already does that, so why should I ruin more of her childhood if he is already? Doesn't make any sense to me at all! LOSER.

I have so much on my plate, it isn't fair to her, to me or to anyone else coming into my life with the stress of what's going on and whats about to happen.

Speaking of which, I have a very big decision coming up here next week probably (has to do with a job, and I can't say too much because this is a public profile) so I have to 'adult' some more next week. But I will be a kid with my daughter as much as I can and hopefully she will get some enjoyment out of her mom looking silly and acting crazy. (in a good way).

I think that's it for tonight, which I figured out a way to 'use' comcast's signal for an hour at a time by using their complimentary usage of 1 hour, but I have to create a new email every single time I want to use it, which isn't a big deal, but it's gonna be a process. That's okay though! Totally worth it if I can get online for a few and just vegg out on blogger or get on Pinterest. 

Living in the 21st century... with no WiFi

... How do I say this? I'm living without wifi for over a week now. A WEEK. Let me explain this.

My soon to be ex husband thought it was necessary to not pay the cable bill, that's in my name. Knowing full well that he has the only source of income. I have no cable with a toddler, which means no 'bubble guppies', no 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and only a small amount of shows that have been put on a thumb drive.

"But Alex, how on earth are you writing this then?"... I am sitting at McDonalds, drinking a disgusting shake that tastes like garbage (Trust me, it was the CHEAPEST thing on the menu) otherwise no, I can't get on blogger, I use data from Facebook and Instagram, checking my emails and such, and he just sits on his tower laughing about it all. I have to sit... in a public place, to just write a blog... No, I'm not joking in the slightest!

This right here, disgusts me. I haven't stepped foot into a place like this in months, and now because of him, I have to just to check my stuff while he spends time with my daughter. I have been so stressed out from this divorce I've been sick to my stomach. (Should have gone to Culver's, at least it smells better there.) 

Speaking of Divorce. I served him his divorce papers last Thursday. He didn't seem thrilled, although; I don't know his reaction when the Sheriff dropped them off to his 'mommy's' house. That was a relief honestly, I was happy to get it started and done with, that way he can just be out of my life sooner technically, and actually has to abide by the rules that the court sets up for him. Little does he know that we both have to attend 'parenting classes'. I've never heard of something so stupid to go do. and...! I have to PAY $50 to go to them. I'm hoping that since I filed the divorce as a 'poor' person, I can just take the classes if I'm willing to go to them. I have to take Hadley with me, but who cares, just shows how committed I am to her, which is pretty obvious. Considering he's giving me her early today at 5:30 to see his girlfriend and then he's not getting her until noon tomorrow. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So I get like 6 hours each day away to just relax and try to get everything done? That's not even a full shift at a job, soooo really, why bother at all? Glad I'm documenting everything.

I guess this blog post is more of a rant than anything. Sorry about that. My life is shit and I don't want to 'adult' today for the life of me. The more I think about him, and everything he's done to Hadley and I in the last 3 months - the more upset and sick I get. What kind of monster does this to someone? Who in the real world thinks that this is OK? NO ONE!

Pay it Forward

Yesterday I was blessed to meet a family who was more than generous in giving Hadley and I things we need. I have been searching for a crib or toddler bed for a few weeks and today someone heard my call. He gave us not only a bed, mattress, table, chairs, box of toys, tricycle, and wagon, but he also gave us, hope. Hope that humanity isn't lost on those who we don't see. Yeah sure it's 'used' and needs some cleaning but you know what? I'm grateful for it all! My daughter has a bed and toys and food and is taken care of. I keep telling myself -- I can do this. And I am starting to believe it to be true.

I still am getting the feeling of being 'alone' isn't as great as I thought it was going to be, but if this whole 'pay it forward' thing is going to change our lives,

So what is 'Pay it Forward'? its an expression for describing the beneficiary of a good deed repaying it to others instead of to the original benefactor. 

I know I'm not perfect and I have so many faults, but I'm here - and my daughter is my motivation for everything. She may not be for her father, but shes my whole world.

In other news that's not so wishy-washy -- my next blog will be DIY and I'm so excited! :) Stay tuned!

Saying Goodbye

It's hard to think that just two short months ago I thought I had it all; I had the husband, the daughter I always wanted and the life I thought I knew.

Fast forward to the day he tells me that he's not happy and it's "not working anymore", and that he's been seeing a girl he was seeing two years ago -- again... AGAIN. I thought he was joking, I thought I was dreaming - fuck it, it doesn't matter what I thought, I was wrong. No matter how hard I tried, I begged and prayed to whatever god I thought would listen, they didn't and my life was shit.

I did all the stages rather quick - a LOT faster than I thought I would:

1. Denial: It can't be real, it can't be true! He still loves us, he's just got something wrong with him, he's lying to me, he doesn't know what hes saying!
2. Anger: This time, the cops were called, I was mad he really was seeing her [(kayla) and no fuck off, I'm not capitalizing that dirty infested cunt bags name]. I was angry, I hit him, he hit me, simple as that. HE took off, he left us. He decided to leave his daughter and I for HER.
3. Bargaining: I BEGGED him, I pleaded "I'll do ANYTHING, PLEASE", literally thought anything would make it better - like a dumb ass, not sure why I bothered at this point.
4. Depression: I'm pretty sure I'm out of this stage? I mean sometimes I get sad about the fact that my relationship with someone for the last ten years is over. I can't go back, I can't change the past, but at this point, why would I want to? I know the type of person her father is, now I do anyway, so why would I want to be in a relationship with him again when it's so toxic?
5. Acceptance: Yeah -- I accept that I'm going through a divorce and that he's a royal pain in my ass that he will be for the next 50 years I'll have to deal with him because my daughter is my life. I'll get over it, and I'll bet that he'll do this again. He's one of those people that will never ever be happy and I don't really feel the need to try anymore with him. This is what it is, I can't change it, mend it or even attempt to fix any part of it, I am okay with it at this point.

What I do care about is, Hadley. HER. I have been threatened that she will be taken away from me by a moron who thinks just because he has the 'money' that he has the power. Well, he has another thing coming. I can guarantee that I will have her, it's not a control thing for me - it is for him. I want her because I do. I'm her mother and my need to be around her is stronger than his is. He's seen her a grand total of four times in the last month and a half. by HIS CHOICE.

Being nice is hard, I mean generally I'm a nice person - get along with everyone, usually kiss asses and make people happy, but with him, it's like I'm pulling my own teeth out with a pair of tweezers and a nail file. I guess what I'm trying to say in this post is that, no matter how hard you try, you cant make everyone happy. You have to do what's right in your heart for you and for your family. In my case, that's my Hadley. and I'm okay with being poor for now and having my daughter, because her love -- is more than anyone can give me -- ever.