Single = LONELINESS

I'm seriously lonely. I hate being alone in general. 

It's nice when Hadley is around, then I at least have someone to talk to and give kisses and smother technically. But really, its freaking lonely being here by my self. I miss my dad, I miss Minnesota. I wish I could move up there again without any issues but I know that he will never let me move. From all the threats I have been getting daily, I know it wont happen.

I've tried to talk to guys, but they either have their own kids so they are wrapped up into their own lives (which is fine, I do it too) or they are single, and the single stupidest people I have met; apart from my ex. I guess I just wont date. But is that really a bad thing? Not dating? I don't think so, it's just again; lonely.

I applaud anyone that can get back out there and try to date after having a kid and finding time for someone else, let alone themselves after their child(ren) are taken care of. It's difficult. I want Hadley to always come first no matter what, everyone else is just second place to her, and I guess that's going to piss a lot of people off. Not my problem. She's my number one priority, so really... I don't think I should be dating. yeah here and there but I don't want anything serious to screw up my time with my daughter. Her biological father already does that, so why should I ruin more of her childhood if he is already? Doesn't make any sense to me at all! LOSER.

I have so much on my plate, it isn't fair to her, to me or to anyone else coming into my life with the stress of what's going on and whats about to happen.

Speaking of which, I have a very big decision coming up here next week probably (has to do with a job, and I can't say too much because this is a public profile) so I have to 'adult' some more next week. But I will be a kid with my daughter as much as I can and hopefully she will get some enjoyment out of her mom looking silly and acting crazy. (in a good way).

I think that's it for tonight, which I figured out a way to 'use' comcast's signal for an hour at a time by using their complimentary usage of 1 hour, but I have to create a new email every single time I want to use it, which isn't a big deal, but it's gonna be a process. That's okay though! Totally worth it if I can get online for a few and just vegg out on blogger or get on Pinterest. 

Living in the 21st century... with no WiFi

... How do I say this? I'm living without wifi for over a week now. A WEEK. Let me explain this.

My soon to be ex husband thought it was necessary to not pay the cable bill, that's in my name. Knowing full well that he has the only source of income. I have no cable with a toddler, which means no 'bubble guppies', no 'Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and only a small amount of shows that have been put on a thumb drive.

"But Alex, how on earth are you writing this then?"... I am sitting at McDonalds, drinking a disgusting shake that tastes like garbage (Trust me, it was the CHEAPEST thing on the menu) otherwise no, I can't get on blogger, I use data from Facebook and Instagram, checking my emails and such, and he just sits on his tower laughing about it all. I have to sit... in a public place, to just write a blog... No, I'm not joking in the slightest!

This right here, disgusts me. I haven't stepped foot into a place like this in months, and now because of him, I have to just to check my stuff while he spends time with my daughter. I have been so stressed out from this divorce I've been sick to my stomach. (Should have gone to Culver's, at least it smells better there.) 

Speaking of Divorce. I served him his divorce papers last Thursday. He didn't seem thrilled, although; I don't know his reaction when the Sheriff dropped them off to his 'mommy's' house. That was a relief honestly, I was happy to get it started and done with, that way he can just be out of my life sooner technically, and actually has to abide by the rules that the court sets up for him. Little does he know that we both have to attend 'parenting classes'. I've never heard of something so stupid to go do. and...! I have to PAY $50 to go to them. I'm hoping that since I filed the divorce as a 'poor' person, I can just take the classes if I'm willing to go to them. I have to take Hadley with me, but who cares, just shows how committed I am to her, which is pretty obvious. Considering he's giving me her early today at 5:30 to see his girlfriend and then he's not getting her until noon tomorrow. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So I get like 6 hours each day away to just relax and try to get everything done? That's not even a full shift at a job, soooo really, why bother at all? Glad I'm documenting everything.

I guess this blog post is more of a rant than anything. Sorry about that. My life is shit and I don't want to 'adult' today for the life of me. The more I think about him, and everything he's done to Hadley and I in the last 3 months - the more upset and sick I get. What kind of monster does this to someone? Who in the real world thinks that this is OK? NO ONE!